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The Average Mortuary Workday
Jul. 18th, 2020 03:54 pm7:00 AM: Wake up. Stare at ties, wear favorite one in hopes to make the day go well.
8:00 AM: Arrive at work. Morning poop. Listen to funeral directors talk about the insane families and office politics. Chug cold brew. Spill some on favorite tie.
9:00 AM: Go to the city Health Department for death certificates or burial transit permits. Meet multiple other directors from multiple other funeral homes in the same room ("Death Services" room). Catch up, talk shit, briefly forget why you were there to begin with.
10:00 AM: Return to the funeral home to either prepare for a visitation, funeral service, or graveside. If none of those, you have to check a body in and dress them. The body leaks all over the white shirt the family brought in. Spend 12 minutes drying the button-up with a hair dryer from 1989.
11:00 AM: Glue someone's mouth shut because their mouth keeps opening. If family has allowed embalming, clamp their jaws shut with a wire gun that locks the alveolar processes together. Their lips part anyways and you have to use glue.
11:00 AM: If at a funeral service, the family is 30 minutes late. If at a graveside, the sun is out and baking you, and the family is 35 minutes late.
12:00 PM: LUNCH. Coworkers further believe you're a human trash compactor after you are caught eating cold fish cake (odeng) from the fridge. Explain that gochujang is not ketchup. Get food on your tie.
1:00 PM: Lunch, but only if you just got back from the graveside / funeral service. Go to the post office to drop off some death certificates that your boss forgot to give you until now.
2:00 PM: Put a body in a casket for their visitation tonight. You patched up any mystery holes that may purge liquid onto them, but they purge out of their mouth instead and onto your gloves. Add gloves to the ever-growing Biohazard trash.
3:00 PM: Youtube. Coworker is watching the History Channel. Boss left for the day, or to go to JC Penny's.
4:00 PM: One hour left, continue to watch Youtube and do homework. Coworkers leave between 4:30 - 4:50 until it's just you and the secretary.
5:00 PM: FREEDOM. Get free sandwiches from the caterers who came by for the visitation's reception as you leave, then go home to get butt-slapped by boyfriend and watch Buzzfeed Unsolved. Rinse repeat.
...That's generally my day to day at work. All of these things happened to me at least once, and I don't anticipate the insanity to EVER END.
8:00 AM: Arrive at work. Morning poop. Listen to funeral directors talk about the insane families and office politics. Chug cold brew. Spill some on favorite tie.
9:00 AM: Go to the city Health Department for death certificates or burial transit permits. Meet multiple other directors from multiple other funeral homes in the same room ("Death Services" room). Catch up, talk shit, briefly forget why you were there to begin with.
10:00 AM: Return to the funeral home to either prepare for a visitation, funeral service, or graveside. If none of those, you have to check a body in and dress them. The body leaks all over the white shirt the family brought in. Spend 12 minutes drying the button-up with a hair dryer from 1989.
11:00 AM: Glue someone's mouth shut because their mouth keeps opening. If family has allowed embalming, clamp their jaws shut with a wire gun that locks the alveolar processes together. Their lips part anyways and you have to use glue.
11:00 AM: If at a funeral service, the family is 30 minutes late. If at a graveside, the sun is out and baking you, and the family is 35 minutes late.
12:00 PM: LUNCH. Coworkers further believe you're a human trash compactor after you are caught eating cold fish cake (odeng) from the fridge. Explain that gochujang is not ketchup. Get food on your tie.
1:00 PM: Lunch, but only if you just got back from the graveside / funeral service. Go to the post office to drop off some death certificates that your boss forgot to give you until now.
2:00 PM: Put a body in a casket for their visitation tonight. You patched up any mystery holes that may purge liquid onto them, but they purge out of their mouth instead and onto your gloves. Add gloves to the ever-growing Biohazard trash.
3:00 PM: Youtube. Coworker is watching the History Channel. Boss left for the day, or to go to JC Penny's.
4:00 PM: One hour left, continue to watch Youtube and do homework. Coworkers leave between 4:30 - 4:50 until it's just you and the secretary.
5:00 PM: FREEDOM. Get free sandwiches from the caterers who came by for the visitation's reception as you leave, then go home to get butt-slapped by boyfriend and watch Buzzfeed Unsolved. Rinse repeat.
...That's generally my day to day at work. All of these things happened to me at least once, and I don't anticipate the insanity to EVER END.
