Ugh

[jpegghost]

I got my Singer 401A! I'd take a picture but I'm very, very lazy right now and running on fumes. It's from the 50s and in great condition, I'm messing with it as we speak to try and get a feel for things. It's VERY HEAVY at about 30 lbs so I won't be doing much transporting of it, but that's fine. I want to go to the Container Store later to get something for the fabric I'm accumulating and random spools now generating around the place.

Midterms are this week and next week and I just can't be bothered. I don't have any willpower, and I've been fighting some brand new mental illness that has made me an anxious mess. I've never had anxiety before really, but now I'm constantly convinced that any ache or pain is corona, ebola, cancer, pulmonary huntavirus! This has been going on about 3 months, but has really only intensified in the past month; I don't like talking about this because I'm pretty embarrassed about it. Other people are allowed to have mental illness and problems, I don't care, but ME? I need to MAN UP.
It's gotten bad and life-interrupting enough that when I emailed my doctor about my feelings there was very much an emergency CALL US RIGHT NOW YOUR SYMPTOMS ARE VERY SEVERE voice message on my phone immediately after. I wasn't due for an appointment for a while, and though they're booked for a month my doctor finds it dire enough that I'm getting squeezed in on his lunch break.

Admittedly I never wanted to talk about depressing things on here that can't be immediately resolved. I felt like it's something I largely need to keep to myself, and really only one or two people know aside from Alex, who has to live with me. I still feel weird posting about it!

Comments

[8hyenas]

Man, fragile masculinity is so masculine right now. j

Of course I had no clue, was it the in stationery? I am a clue misser, I am a person who gasps at Blue's Clues. I never suspect the butler. Also you're a small ghost on a skateboard. No one ever suspects the small ghost on a skateboard of ANYTHING*.

And I KNOW about the family distrust of meds, i distrust it too even though I can point it out as "whoa, that's your stupid family thing". I wish there was some sort of blood test for anxiety/depression so i could get a solid yes/no. am I anxious or just a crybaby?

*Okay, I routinely suspect everyone of being "not straight" because how is that a real thing.

[jpegghost]

Fragile masculinity is IN.

And that's true, a short ghost on a skateboard rarely is notable of anything ... Most people auto assume I'm gay but very few would know I'm trans. I also assume you're living on a separate realm where you know trees personalities and what frogs are thinking of so I wonder how much you can tell alone from my posts...

I wish I could get a bloodtest for that, but at the moment any kind of medical test has me hyperventilating into a paper bag then gagging into the bushes outside of the doctors office. This has been very sudden onset and I honestly think that the weight of what's going on in the world is finally getting to me. They're talking about healthcare professionals needing therapy after this, maybe I will!

Also no one is truly straight. NO ONE.

(Speaking of ghost on skateboard, did my letter come? the mail here has been BAD)

[8hyenas]

It did, so I’m assuming my response hasn’t tho...

I exactly operate on a tree personality level. Like. Literally have a tree that I’m just “watching” for the last several years. (It’s going so well! Sometimes when it’s about to rain it turns it’s leaves around. Cardinals like it.)

[jpegghost]

What a wonderful tree. What kind?

Also I'll keep an eye on my mailbox. The sewing machine was due here on the 3rd, but only arrived yesterday. It was stuck in Illinois for almost a week. There's been a lot of USPS fuckery lately : /

[8hyenas]

The one I watch is a hickory tree about three inches from my window, I built the add on short because I couldn't cut it. Sometimes there are lizards. There's also some sycamore trees that catch my eye every now and then.