Ugh

[jpegghost]

I got my Singer 401A! I'd take a picture but I'm very, very lazy right now and running on fumes. It's from the 50s and in great condition, I'm messing with it as we speak to try and get a feel for things. It's VERY HEAVY at about 30 lbs so I won't be doing much transporting of it, but that's fine. I want to go to the Container Store later to get something for the fabric I'm accumulating and random spools now generating around the place.

Midterms are this week and next week and I just can't be bothered. I don't have any willpower, and I've been fighting some brand new mental illness that has made me an anxious mess. I've never had anxiety before really, but now I'm constantly convinced that any ache or pain is corona, ebola, cancer, pulmonary huntavirus! This has been going on about 3 months, but has really only intensified in the past month; I don't like talking about this because I'm pretty embarrassed about it. Other people are allowed to have mental illness and problems, I don't care, but ME? I need to MAN UP.
It's gotten bad and life-interrupting enough that when I emailed my doctor about my feelings there was very much an emergency CALL US RIGHT NOW YOUR SYMPTOMS ARE VERY SEVERE voice message on my phone immediately after. I wasn't due for an appointment for a while, and though they're booked for a month my doctor finds it dire enough that I'm getting squeezed in on his lunch break.

Admittedly I never wanted to talk about depressing things on here that can't be immediately resolved. I felt like it's something I largely need to keep to myself, and really only one or two people know aside from Alex, who has to live with me. I still feel weird posting about it!

Comments

[8hyenas]

It is your journal, I mean. I think there's a distinct difference between a blog and like, a journal. So like if you were a mommy blog, or a plant blog, or something like that then sure. But it's a journal! I've been being messy on mine since 2004. Elsewhere on the internet I look like a superhero.

You have a million reasons to have Super Anxiety right now and I'm glad you're taking steps.

I'd say hugs but like.. can't even do that on the internet so have one of my family's patented "poke by single finger across a distance of two or three feet used to express caring" *poke*

(Feel free to upgrade to a pat if necessary. Which is also patented and feels kind of like someone rapid slapping your leg. It's very comforting. Like you'd pat a horse after a long day's ride.)

[jpegghost]

Yeah, you're right. I feel very bad doing these things honestly. Or even SAYING them. Familial distrust in medicine and brain science, mixed with fragile masculinity got me fucked up.
-- spoiler alert --
Even though I've been presenting / passing as male for about 7 years, I'm still worried that I'm not manly enough and this is proving that. (Yes, I'm FtM, can you really expect cis gay men to make as good jokes as me? Also anticipating you already had a feeling about this)

Thank you for poke, I'm upgrading it to a pat!

[8hyenas]

Man, fragile masculinity is so masculine right now. j

Of course I had no clue, was it the in stationery? I am a clue misser, I am a person who gasps at Blue's Clues. I never suspect the butler. Also you're a small ghost on a skateboard. No one ever suspects the small ghost on a skateboard of ANYTHING*.

And I KNOW about the family distrust of meds, i distrust it too even though I can point it out as "whoa, that's your stupid family thing". I wish there was some sort of blood test for anxiety/depression so i could get a solid yes/no. am I anxious or just a crybaby?

*Okay, I routinely suspect everyone of being "not straight" because how is that a real thing.

[jpegghost]

Fragile masculinity is IN.

And that's true, a short ghost on a skateboard rarely is notable of anything ... Most people auto assume I'm gay but very few would know I'm trans. I also assume you're living on a separate realm where you know trees personalities and what frogs are thinking of so I wonder how much you can tell alone from my posts...

I wish I could get a bloodtest for that, but at the moment any kind of medical test has me hyperventilating into a paper bag then gagging into the bushes outside of the doctors office. This has been very sudden onset and I honestly think that the weight of what's going on in the world is finally getting to me. They're talking about healthcare professionals needing therapy after this, maybe I will!

Also no one is truly straight. NO ONE.

(Speaking of ghost on skateboard, did my letter come? the mail here has been BAD)

[8hyenas]

It did, so I’m assuming my response hasn’t tho...

I exactly operate on a tree personality level. Like. Literally have a tree that I’m just “watching” for the last several years. (It’s going so well! Sometimes when it’s about to rain it turns it’s leaves around. Cardinals like it.)

[jpegghost]

What a wonderful tree. What kind?

Also I'll keep an eye on my mailbox. The sewing machine was due here on the 3rd, but only arrived yesterday. It was stuck in Illinois for almost a week. There's been a lot of USPS fuckery lately : /

[8hyenas]

The one I watch is a hickory tree about three inches from my window, I built the add on short because I couldn't cut it. Sometimes there are lizards. There's also some sycamore trees that catch my eye every now and then.

[alee_grrl]

Yay for the arrival of the Singer sewing machine!

Also sending loads of virtual hugs. I know how hard it can be to talk about mental health issues, especially ones that are ongoing. You are absolutely not alone in those struggles though, and it can be helpful to talk about them.

It can be hard to let go of the internalized stigma we all carry when it comes to mental health issues. Gods know I'm still working on it myself. But one of the nice things about finding spaces like dreamwidth is that there are a lot of people who understand and are happy to offer some support and an ear when it is needed.

I hope the doctor is able to help a bit. Sending many virtual hug and loads of supportive energy. <3

[jpegghost]

I've noticed a lot of people on Dreamwidth have mental issues and struggles, and it really helps knowing a lot of people on here understand the scenario. I think all the death I see doesn't help, despite how much I love my job. Thanks Mandaaaaaa <3

[alee_grrl]

Yeah, sometimes even when we love our jobs they can be hard to cope with mental health wise. And you job would definitely be one of those. Especially with the chaos that this year has brought.

<3

[amejisuto]

Yay for getting your sewing machine. I bet that will give you something to put your mind on that's not the beer flu.

It's perfectly natural to have anxiety right now. The doctors have really helped me, I talk to a counselor every two weeks and she has me doing homework, and I see an NP for my meds. They take some time to work but it just helped me knowing I was doing something about it.

And it's your journal. Post whatever you feel comfortable talking about. It helps to talk about your feelings, you'll find out that you're not as alone as you think you are and there are people who will support you.

~HUGS~ Hope the doctor helps you!

[jpegghost]

It's so beautiful, I wish I had the willpower to take a photo!

I'm going to both now. I guess the doctors realized how severe and sudden this was and now I have a team for my mental health. I ended up sewing a little square of fabric to spray Alex's cologne onto and keep in my wallet to think of him / calm down when I'm anxious : (

Thanks Ame! <3

[amejisuto]

Good for you for already getting help and finding a coping mechanism. I used to wear my MP3 player all the time in one ear to keep me calm when I went out. I'm glad Alex's cologne can help you.

Anytime you want to talk just let me know buddy!

[jpegghost]

If you have any general recommendations I'd appreciate it. I don't have any earbuds but I may invest, since I by chance found some ASMR that really chills me out before bed. When I was having an incident when Alex wasn't around it was really useful to listen to and just turn into an exhausted blob on the chair.

[amejisuto]

I used to listen to Meat Loaf's I don't know what it is but it just won't quit on repeat. I used to work in a pizza place and when I opened alone I'd just listen to that and just about cry while making pizza dough. Heh. Seasoned with my salty tears. LOL.

Seriously though, whatever kind of music that makes you happy helps. Gets you out of your head and interrupting those thought patterns that are making you so anxious. So if it's ASMR that helps, listen to it while you can. I understand during services you couldn't have your headphones on, but while you're working in the back maybe you'd be able to. It's worth a try.

Hope this helps! ~HUGS~

[azurelunatic]

Ooo, that's a really good idea.

At one point I prepared a little set of my usual perfumes to send to my partner to try and help them, but unfortunately they weren't in a (mental or physical) place to accept it, and they have a lot of allergies anyway.

[teirae]

In all honesty, anyone who isnt feeling some sort of mental health issues this year are the abnormal ones. This year is not normal, and it is common and perfectly normal and acceptable to be feeling out of sorts and not able to handle things like you usually would.
Take your Drs help and advice, remember to breath and it will be ok.

[jpegghost]

Thanks buddy! I get to (virtually) see the doc wednesday so hopefully things will improve while I find ways to combat it.

[switterbeet]

I'm glad your doctor took it seriously! I hope you figure out something that works for you.

If you don't already, maybe do some private entries? All the venting, none of the exposure?

The world is gonna have a bit of collective PTSD/hypochondria coming out of this, kinda like people who lived through the Depression tended to hoard stuff and be cheap. :/ I definitely am looking at some physical issues I've been having and going "is this post-covid inflammation manifesting?!" - not that I even have confirmation I had COVID back in Feb. But like. MAYBE!

[jpegghost]

I hope so! My doctor thinks I have PTSD symptoms, even my friends agree with it. I have seen some shit out there, man.

A lot of people walk the line between somewhat concerned about health and hypochondriac. Unfortunately, with COVID having so many problems and aftereffects and symptoms, people jump to that. I'm trying to stay positive about it, some people are making full recoveries after months; sometimes inflammation lasts a long time in the body.

[switterbeet]

*hugs if hugs are your thing*