Ugh

[jpegghost]

I got my Singer 401A! I'd take a picture but I'm very, very lazy right now and running on fumes. It's from the 50s and in great condition, I'm messing with it as we speak to try and get a feel for things. It's VERY HEAVY at about 30 lbs so I won't be doing much transporting of it, but that's fine. I want to go to the Container Store later to get something for the fabric I'm accumulating and random spools now generating around the place.

Midterms are this week and next week and I just can't be bothered. I don't have any willpower, and I've been fighting some brand new mental illness that has made me an anxious mess. I've never had anxiety before really, but now I'm constantly convinced that any ache or pain is corona, ebola, cancer, pulmonary huntavirus! This has been going on about 3 months, but has really only intensified in the past month; I don't like talking about this because I'm pretty embarrassed about it. Other people are allowed to have mental illness and problems, I don't care, but ME? I need to MAN UP.
It's gotten bad and life-interrupting enough that when I emailed my doctor about my feelings there was very much an emergency CALL US RIGHT NOW YOUR SYMPTOMS ARE VERY SEVERE voice message on my phone immediately after. I wasn't due for an appointment for a while, and though they're booked for a month my doctor finds it dire enough that I'm getting squeezed in on his lunch break.

Admittedly I never wanted to talk about depressing things on here that can't be immediately resolved. I felt like it's something I largely need to keep to myself, and really only one or two people know aside from Alex, who has to live with me. I still feel weird posting about it!

Comments

[8hyenas]

It is your journal, I mean. I think there's a distinct difference between a blog and like, a journal. So like if you were a mommy blog, or a plant blog, or something like that then sure. But it's a journal! I've been being messy on mine since 2004. Elsewhere on the internet I look like a superhero.

You have a million reasons to have Super Anxiety right now and I'm glad you're taking steps.

I'd say hugs but like.. can't even do that on the internet so have one of my family's patented "poke by single finger across a distance of two or three feet used to express caring" *poke*

(Feel free to upgrade to a pat if necessary. Which is also patented and feels kind of like someone rapid slapping your leg. It's very comforting. Like you'd pat a horse after a long day's ride.)

[alee_grrl]

Yay for the arrival of the Singer sewing machine!

Also sending loads of virtual hugs. I know how hard it can be to talk about mental health issues, especially ones that are ongoing. You are absolutely not alone in those struggles though, and it can be helpful to talk about them.

It can be hard to let go of the internalized stigma we all carry when it comes to mental health issues. Gods know I'm still working on it myself. But one of the nice things about finding spaces like dreamwidth is that there are a lot of people who understand and are happy to offer some support and an ear when it is needed.

I hope the doctor is able to help a bit. Sending many virtual hug and loads of supportive energy. <3

[amejisuto]

Yay for getting your sewing machine. I bet that will give you something to put your mind on that's not the beer flu.

It's perfectly natural to have anxiety right now. The doctors have really helped me, I talk to a counselor every two weeks and she has me doing homework, and I see an NP for my meds. They take some time to work but it just helped me knowing I was doing something about it.

And it's your journal. Post whatever you feel comfortable talking about. It helps to talk about your feelings, you'll find out that you're not as alone as you think you are and there are people who will support you.

~HUGS~ Hope the doctor helps you!

[teirae]

In all honesty, anyone who isnt feeling some sort of mental health issues this year are the abnormal ones. This year is not normal, and it is common and perfectly normal and acceptable to be feeling out of sorts and not able to handle things like you usually would.
Take your Drs help and advice, remember to breath and it will be ok.

[switterbeet]

I'm glad your doctor took it seriously! I hope you figure out something that works for you.

If you don't already, maybe do some private entries? All the venting, none of the exposure?

The world is gonna have a bit of collective PTSD/hypochondria coming out of this, kinda like people who lived through the Depression tended to hoard stuff and be cheap. :/ I definitely am looking at some physical issues I've been having and going "is this post-covid inflammation manifesting?!" - not that I even have confirmation I had COVID back in Feb. But like. MAYBE!