Ugh

[jpegghost]

I got my Singer 401A! I'd take a picture but I'm very, very lazy right now and running on fumes. It's from the 50s and in great condition, I'm messing with it as we speak to try and get a feel for things. It's VERY HEAVY at about 30 lbs so I won't be doing much transporting of it, but that's fine. I want to go to the Container Store later to get something for the fabric I'm accumulating and random spools now generating around the place.

Midterms are this week and next week and I just can't be bothered. I don't have any willpower, and I've been fighting some brand new mental illness that has made me an anxious mess. I've never had anxiety before really, but now I'm constantly convinced that any ache or pain is corona, ebola, cancer, pulmonary huntavirus! This has been going on about 3 months, but has really only intensified in the past month; I don't like talking about this because I'm pretty embarrassed about it. Other people are allowed to have mental illness and problems, I don't care, but ME? I need to MAN UP.
It's gotten bad and life-interrupting enough that when I emailed my doctor about my feelings there was very much an emergency CALL US RIGHT NOW YOUR SYMPTOMS ARE VERY SEVERE voice message on my phone immediately after. I wasn't due for an appointment for a while, and though they're booked for a month my doctor finds it dire enough that I'm getting squeezed in on his lunch break.

Admittedly I never wanted to talk about depressing things on here that can't be immediately resolved. I felt like it's something I largely need to keep to myself, and really only one or two people know aside from Alex, who has to live with me. I still feel weird posting about it!

Comments

[jpegghost]

It's so beautiful, I wish I had the willpower to take a photo!

I'm going to both now. I guess the doctors realized how severe and sudden this was and now I have a team for my mental health. I ended up sewing a little square of fabric to spray Alex's cologne onto and keep in my wallet to think of him / calm down when I'm anxious : (

Thanks Ame! <3

[amejisuto]

Good for you for already getting help and finding a coping mechanism. I used to wear my MP3 player all the time in one ear to keep me calm when I went out. I'm glad Alex's cologne can help you.

Anytime you want to talk just let me know buddy!

[jpegghost]

If you have any general recommendations I'd appreciate it. I don't have any earbuds but I may invest, since I by chance found some ASMR that really chills me out before bed. When I was having an incident when Alex wasn't around it was really useful to listen to and just turn into an exhausted blob on the chair.

[amejisuto]

I used to listen to Meat Loaf's I don't know what it is but it just won't quit on repeat. I used to work in a pizza place and when I opened alone I'd just listen to that and just about cry while making pizza dough. Heh. Seasoned with my salty tears. LOL.

Seriously though, whatever kind of music that makes you happy helps. Gets you out of your head and interrupting those thought patterns that are making you so anxious. So if it's ASMR that helps, listen to it while you can. I understand during services you couldn't have your headphones on, but while you're working in the back maybe you'd be able to. It's worth a try.

Hope this helps! ~HUGS~

[azurelunatic]

Ooo, that's a really good idea.

At one point I prepared a little set of my usual perfumes to send to my partner to try and help them, but unfortunately they weren't in a (mental or physical) place to accept it, and they have a lot of allergies anyway.